leaves on the seine.

2006-03-04T22:04:00.000-08:00

Au Revoir, Ms Nickles..

i dn't know anymore.

2005-11-19T09:59:00.000-08:00

I'm just sad.
that it has to turn out like that.
sad that after so much, she still vents her famed fury at me.
please try to understand how i'd feel sometimes.

you're jst another hag.

2005-06-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

you know..

sometimes the ones that are closest to you, the ones that you cherish and revere the most,
are the ones that are most perplexing.
are the ones that are most likely to take you for granted.

i feel like a temporary friend.
in transit.
when your other grps of friends are not around, you will rope me into the picture.
no doubt, of course, we have fun.
but.
it's not fair.
to jst isolate yourself from me whenever your other friends come in.
esp new friends.

i'm.
tired of all this nonsense.

2005-04-28T04:31:00.000-07:00

In light of recent changes.
Rather major changes in my life, I've moved.
Elsewhere.

Ambrosia.

2005-03-25T12:58:00.000-08:00

Was a quarter of my way through narrating about tonight when my whole Internet Explorer just shut down. Therefore, I shall just summarise.

I met Mus and her sister around midnight earlier tonight, we went to this Meditteranean cafe called Ambrosia. Very nice place, with a great ambience. Soft lighting, walls painted in gentle hues of red and yellow, a nice painting on the wall.. Soft Latin music in the background, nice cushions etc. I tried something new tonight, called Sheesha. It's just like smoking, but it's much more purified. Basically by water and filtered by many other things. It's like a device coming from Arabian Nights or something. Yeaaa.
Afterwhich, we walked around Bugis area for awhile before heading home.

Overall, it was awesome fun la i guess. The fun we had, experimenting and perfect the Art of Sheesha. Haha, thank you ladies.

I apologise, for having neglected this blog for quite awhile now. I must say, I have been rather preoccupied with several very complicated issues. Both emotional and physical.
In short, track and rugby gets me spent everyday after i get home. Sph was bittersweet, with us bagging silver for 4x200m, getting dqed for 4x1. somehow SJI always screws up. But not for Nationals this year. As Wynner puts it, "AcsI, not everyday's Sunday. Wake up."

I have yet to settle back into school. It's been a dread, especially in my class and stuff. Bunch of monkeys, i swear. Os this year, Zul. Wake up.

Love, is a damn complicated thing.
Stupid, waste of time.

Of course, Jon would beg to differ.
Congrats, and all the best to you.

Much Love, all.
0507hrs.

cefiro.

2005-03-10T18:52:00.000-08:00

And so PTM turned out surprisingly well.
Honestly, i haven't tried hard enough this term.
Honestly, i didn't perform to my potential.
Nevertheless, the teachers all said I've improved and that the results weren't a true reflection of my efforts this term.
I've got no complains to that, really.
And they were really motivating as well, Mr Low and Cikgu Rahimah.

Drove my mum to work and then went over to Ubi Ave to get my new car.
Cefiro, LIKE CHARLOTTE! (:
hoho.
and im back home now, waiting for the hours to tick by.
then im off to school for the match against pierce.
so sian, pls.
i dn't wna over train.
i want relay.
i want sph.
whoosh.

Love.

Bedshaped.

2005-03-05T19:01:00.000-08:00

It was very difficult to try to find positives from last night.
It was good seeing the people i know, yes.
But otherwise, the whole affair was pretty mundane.
Yusof left halfway cos of apparent boredom.

Fata Morgana was a little too draggy.
But the fact that they were able to memorise all the lines is amazing.
The show spanned around 150minutes.
The acting was good, some really scary and comical moments.

Post Fata Morgana was even more.. frustrating?
But aiyah, she cn't be blamed la.
For being too nice. haha.
Poor girl, was under tremendous stress.
Ohwells, doesnt matter.
I'll try to at least be thanking for whatever positives out of last night.

Oh I spoke to Aunty till around 3.
Thanks sexy, good look at hhk tdy yeah.

Oh and i met Mel in town ytd.
Too bad we couldnt talk more.
Denise was there too and we wanted to go into Peter's Grandmother.
But yusof was there so we couldnt.
Roar.

What a weekend.

MarkShu and JonMandy's gonna watch Hitch ltr on tdy.
Sorry i had to turn you down, guys.
Enjoy yourselves.

Love.

You're the Breath of Life in Me.

2005-03-04T18:59:00.000-08:00

i have dreamt rather hauntingly disturbing dreams in two consecutive nights.
death, violence, loss, heartbreak.
i've woken up the following morning in cold sweat, physically worn out even.
i wonder why.
i've nvr liked such dreams.

it's been a tiring week, as usual.
thank God the holidays are a week away.
however, just how much of it's gonna be spent on recuperating?
projects, homework and blabla's gonna take up the whole week.
not to mention trng.

and talking abt rugby, well we beat evergreen under the torrid heat.
41-0, the final score.
it was a match to forget personally though, i didnt have a good match.
at all.
was at standoff for 3/4 of the game.

going for the rgs drama tonight.
somehow i feel that the actual play's gonna be overshadowed by the audience.
as roby said, it's more of a social event.
ah what the hell.
on a much lighter note, nigel and jon's birthday's coming!
exactly a year ago on this saturday, the newly formed zmni jvi celebrated nigel's birthday,
at paragon's rooftop. (:
have a good weekend break, my friends.

much Love.

Endorphins, Peter's Grandmother, Choi Su-jin and Me-neh.

2005-02-26T07:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was hell fun.
A Moment to Remember was the ultimate tear-jerker.
Nothing new, it's a Korean movie using the same Nicholas Sparks' "A Walk To Remember" formula. Poor girl meets dashing construction worker. They fall in love, he makes it big as an architect +many many sweet moments and then she is diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. Their remaining moments together are chronicled and this is where the superb acting makes it extraordinary. Very convincing acting, my heart just couldnt help but ache during one of the saddest moments. For those who can appreciate Love, this movie's for you.

Thereafter, we lunched at Yoshi then Ling² came over. Then we went over to Heeren and I met Yusof for an hour, catching up with him and all. Basically overjoyed to see him la, like after so long. I then went back up to meet up with the two and we took Neos. Wah hah I liked one of them. Mel came over after 30 mins and we took MORE neos. hoho.

Cabbed down to Clara's. In the long cab ride, I started quizzing them on all the stupid jokes. Peter's/Constantine's grandma, Mickey Mouse and my knee. But I must say, Mel's and Char's "9box" was outta this world, i swear. I was so close to getting it and then we had to go. Haha Mel still couldnt get grandma and when she died on the cab home. Ohwells, it was fun.
Thanks clara for the bbq.
Thank you CharLingMel.

love.

The Revival

2005-02-25T05:11:00.000-08:00

Hail to my Alma Mater,
Hail to my team.

Thank you Lord, for empowering us to a convincing win over Springfield.
It was a shiok match, our taem were a bundle of nerves before the match, having lost our first match against Unity. The pressure to nail this match was tremendous. But we came in and did our thing, now all is good. Meng scored his first every try for SJI. I followed up with the second, Kann scored a brace so did randall, the wingers put 2 past them too. Overall it was a good match but still very nervy. The forwards were damn shagged after 10 minutes in the first half. Roar i could've scored more.

Left for St Theresa's after recess. Nigel and I, are somehow always late for something whenever we're together. Likewise today, we had to cab down after realising it was too late to take a bus. Hah. The invest wasn't too fantastic but meeting all my friends there were. It was like a nostalgic homecoming, all the familiar faces everywhere. Char and clara came down too, after crashing CJ. whoosh. lingling and two other counsellors toured us around the school as well. It was fun. The only negative was the sweltering, stifling heat. I was drenched in perspiration laaaa.

Tmr's gonna be a good day too, hopefull. Movie with Sister Loanna and then Clara's function.

Love!

voices silenced; hearts anguished.

2005-02-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

While others may look to external factors beyond our control to blame for the loss. I would very much prefer to look within the team and to decipher the problems and the cracks that were snaking across the whole team.
The loss, jst like it did to everybody else, took me by complete surprise.
However the warning signs were there, no doubt. I just had that sickening gut feeling that something wrong was going to happen. That feeling was epitomised perfectly when Alfred Nathan who was the only tchr i/c there tdy, told us as a form of motivation, how the Japanese who were on the war to invading Pearl Harbour was fired up, especially after the pilots saw the rising sun which resembled their own flag. It then began to rain heavily. As if the Gods themselves were sending down showers of rain in abhorrent dissent to what he jst said. To counter what Alfred said. Heh.
It continued to rain throughout the match. Every drop soaking into our pore, dampening our hopes as try after try was helplessly scored against us. It was depressing. The aftermath of the onslaught was pretty obvious. Faces at a loss, blank stares i got from everybody.

Nevertheless, let us put this game behind us. The season still can be salvaged guys. It's all up there in your mind, on whether you want it and how much you want it. Keep the Josephian fire in you ablaze, gentlemen. It'll all be good.

Zul.

2005-02-17T02:14:00.000-08:00

And so it's here,
Police Cup 2005

I don't know, seriously.
I've yet to put real serious thought into it.
We're playing Unity tomorrow and I'm rather nervous.
Suffering the jitters cos it's our first match and also because they're rather good.
One of the better teams, i would assume.
Roar.
How?

We can do it.
Snap out of it Zul.
I'm just be ludicrously pessimistic.
Sheesh.

Hmm today was rather fun.
School was draggy.
We went to RI tdy.. thought there was gonna be a match.
But Andy sucks la, cos they wasnt.
But it was FUN. we hopped over to RJ, bought their badges and we bumped into everybody we should.
Sean Tseng, Jason Tan, Eddy, Jerry, Junghans.
And RJ is DAMN huge i swear.
And their weights room is not bad, air conditioned and all.
Next year, next year.

Otherwise Life's been tolerable albeit very routine.
But what's new?

Fire.
Finals.

Zul.

The omnipresent.

2005-02-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's.

i dare you to move.

2005-02-13T01:56:00.000-08:00

season's in two training's time.
havent even psyched myself up for it.
ohwells, here we go again.

roby hasnt been replying my msgs.
i hope she's fine.
sigh.

anyway.
lunched tdy at my dad's best friend's place at simei.
steamboat, jst like every other year.
it's getting better and better.
and the piano's getting better with age too.
it was such a joy playing david lanz's works on it.

aiyah i dn't know lah.
something, somewhere feels very wrong.
like a volcano bubbling on the brink of eruption.
sigh.

ohyes, and school's starting again tmr.
great.

So, goodbye.

2005-02-12T02:37:00.000-08:00

It's scary.
I'm being brought back down to reality.
What appeared to be a very promising prospect was in fact, nothing more than a mere illusion, it seems.
At least not yet, not now.
I feel so foolish!
Such a moodless day, bored out of my wits i swear.

So what next, huh?

2005-02-12T01:29:00.000-08:00

great.
JUST GREAT.
found out that my bill this month's $81.
wahhhh.
i cn't stand it.
tdy's been so intolerably boring.
and i jst had to log on Starhub to check my bill.
ROAR.
sheeeeeesh.

Howlings of the Heart.

2005-02-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

and perhaps, the final chapter's been written even before the title's even thought off.

Like, what the hell.

2005-02-11T05:15:00.000-08:00

Today's training was a total killer.
With the ache in the muscles that comes with every trng, the rock-hard field and the merciless sun bearing down on me, every step took considerable effort la. Was really in no mood to train and yeah, the mood was draaaagy and looooooooong.

Ohwells. I've found the serendipity dvd, got it packed nicely in a deep red wrapper. Lovely.
Eeyer but apparently i've gotta go for Aunty Doreen's lunch function this Sunday. How?
Sigh so many obstacles but it's fine, it'll all be good in the end.

Well well well.
Two more training sessions to Season.
I'm admittedly worried at the lack of urgency. The mood within the team fluctuates drastically.
At the Montfort match we were at a high, then were brought down to earth by CJ then the passive match against NTU. like blahhhh. what the hell is going on.
Where was the ripple of anticipation and excitement which slowly but surely built up into a wave of commitment and passion within the team? Like last year?
Oh yes, i forgot. We're not last year's batch.
Gay ah.

Aiyahhhh.
Sunday's been postponed.
Just great.

2005-02-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

When I fall in love,

it will be forever,

or I'll never fall in love.

In a restless world like this,

is love is ended before its begun

and too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the warmth of the sun.

When I give my heart,

it will be completely

or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too is when

I'll fall in love with you

When I fall in love,

it will be forever

or I'll never fall in love

in a restless world like this,

love is ended before its begun

and too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart, it will be completely

or I'll never give my heart

and the moment I can feel that you feel that way too is when

I'll fall in love

when I'll fall in love

when I'll fall in love with you.

Musings on the West Coast.

2005-02-08T04:40:00.000-08:00

Today threatened to be one of those disastrous days where much fun is expected but everything ends up being so anti0-climatic.
But it wasn't, thanks to Sister Loanna.

For starts,
CNY performance in school was boring as expected. However i did try to enjoy and savour every moment, as it was gonna be the last CNY performance for me in SJI. As much as i dislike the fact that I'll be leaving at the end of this year, it's inevitable. Therefore every milestone event in SJI is gonna be extra special.

Anyway, back to the performance.
There was a guest performance from the St Nick's Chinese Orchestra, some individual Chinese flutist and a Bhangra dance performance by the Tamil Lang Society. The latter's produced the most entertaining performance i would say, the music was catchy and the choreographing wasn't bad, considering that Raj did most of it.

Most of the snrs came back, the sa people and cj too. Saw people like Ashley, Hafiz and Aaron Lee. The canteen was basically crowded lah so we decided to leave quickly to avoid the crowd at the bustop. heh.
About 50 people were there before us, unfortunately. We all squeezed into 190. Haha basically it was a damn funny bus ride. The pinnacle was when we were at the Far East bustop and the bus driver was telling Jon (who was squeezed against the busdoors) to move in front a little as he had to open the doors. And Jon replied with a resounding "Yuuuup" in his ever-so-gay manly voice. HAHA. Nigel and I had a good laugh abt it.

I dn't like recounting. It's so tedious. Anyway basically we lan-ed for an hr. Good to be in control on the keybrd and mouse, playing good ol' Vietname. But the computer was kinda laggy so it was a disappointment of sorts. Lunched at Yoshi after that, the twins joined us. Amelia's bf, Shaun too. Good jokes about Jon and stuff were made, very typical la. I saw Cheryl with her bestfriend, Tracy. She looked beautiful, the highlights in her hair did wonders. After that it was so boring, and unproductive and I was kinda frustrated. We jst lazed outside Cathay undecided on what to do. I never liked such situations of indecisiveness. Like, I expected much more from tdy being half-day and all. I thought we were gonna have some major fun. Anyway i think town's boring. Nothing fresh.

Met up with Char after that and after much thought, i suggested we go to Harbourfront. Dn't ask me why but there and then i was jst basically fed up with town and harbourfront seemed fresh and new, moreoever it was convenient for her too. So yup Harbourfront it was. But then somehow on the bus we decided on going to West Coast instead. So West Coast it was la. Haha the bus ride itself was fun. and funNY. she pressed the bell at the wrong stop and tried to act innocent.
There, we climbed the pyramid and enjoyed the breeze. It was nice. Peaceful and serene. We were up there for a good fifteen mins till our butts started to ache. Then blablablah then it's home.

Thank you mark nigel jon for today.
AND char too (:

Love.

p.s HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR.

She took my breath away.

2005-02-08T04:00:00.000-08:00

in a room full of people, she stood out.
such divine, unparalleled beauty.
she took my breath away.

2005-02-05T10:23:00.000-08:00

i am at an utter loss for words.
an evening with david lanz was jst.. magical.
it was a dream come true.
the hours i spent listening to his music, wishing that i could one day watch him live came true tonight.
he lived up to his name, his playing was flawless.
the piano was lovely too, a steinway i would assume.

cristofori's dream, leaves on the seine, return to the heart and many more.
david lanz ranks up there with the world's best.
he was very engaging with the audience too, conversing with us light-heartedly.
david lanz has a romantic voice, very deep yet smooth. woahh.

not once did my eyes leave his figure on stage, so immersed in his music.
he involves everyone in his playing, watching him live, it was as if you were playing as well.
that silvery-white mane of his was very visible from where i was and i was jst fascinated.
every single second of it.

there was an autograph session and i queued for around 20mins.
but it was worth the wait, i spoke with him for 5 mins, thanking him for inspiring me and hoping that he'll come back soon. he's very very nice in person. this is jst so, so surreal. (:
tonight wld have been perfect if i had a significant other with me, rather than the two friends who came along. especially when he played leaves on the seine, narrating his love story about his wife alicia and all. but ohwells. i love it all the same. i hope tdy sparks off a love affair with the esplanade concert halls. beautiful place.

an evening to remember,
indeed.

love.

2005-02-04T22:48:00.000-08:00

roar.
what a lazy saturday.
been lazing in bed all day, somehow my body's jst feeling very sluggish.
booked the tickets for tonight alr, ah i cn't wait.
been listening to his songs all day to be familiar with what he's gonna play tonight.
i need major rest man, argh.
so tired.
and the whole cycle's gonna repeat itself again and again.
how long can i last?

2005-02-04T05:12:00.000-08:00

whoosh.
finally the weekends are here.
two things to look forward to tmr,
prata and david lanz.
by the way, in all the excitement yesterday after discovering that david lanz is here, i overlooked the fact that his concert is in fact TOMORROW and not sunday. sistic described it using such superlatives, i was enthralled la. leaves on the seine, cristofori's dream, sitting in an english garden. like woww. okay i MUST go tmr.

ntu match was good, i felt the guys handled themselves very well. yup.
it was bruising, had a good kicking game. tackling wasnt too good. but ohwells.

2005-02-03T04:55:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD.

DAVID LANZ IS IN TOWN.
CONCERT @ ESPLANADE THIS SUNDAY.

thank you jieshi for telling me abt it.
goodness.
if not for you, i would've missed this once in a lifetime opportunity to hear and see him perform.
well, david lanz is a new age pianist and he's been the single most influential person in music to me. his style, a fusion of romanticism and spiritualism that translates into a sound that is heaven. basically. in fact, i'll be auditioning for Kindred Spirits this year with one of his songs. havent decided on which one yet, though.
perfect, this' jst perfect. i cn't wait.
havent booked the tickets though and i havent thought of who to ask along for company.

aaahhhh.
i've got an amath test tmr, and i havent started studying.
match against ntu too.
this time im playing for sji.
good exposure for the guys.
okay,
off i go.
oh thanks fanis for chicken rice jst now. true blue kampung style. ;)

LOVE!

2005-01-29T21:52:00.000-08:00

qikai hosted the b div bbq ytd.
quite a nice place, the hillside at upp bt timah.
it was.. okay la. quite fun but nothing memorable.
spent quite awhile playing tennis, stealing a few mins every now and then to steal a quick bite at the bbq pit.
we didnt finish the sirloin at all. 10kgs of meat, can you imagine?
swam, played block catching etc. it was fun esp with the backs.
got back past midnight for the second consecutive night. hais
so much for resting during the weekends. ohwells.

photos.

victor a.k.a fatboy and me, at the tennis court.

andy and i sparring on-court.

kann, looking oh-so-gay here.

mark and yuanzu, taken at the pool.

sjibacks '05
max at 9, zu and me at centres and mark at 15.

it's okay max, you cn't have height AND brawn.

my point, reiterated.

me mark (:

yuanzu's idea of acting the fool.

Buddha wna-be.

i dreamt i was at sentosa and this huge tsunami wave gobbled me up.
scary.

2005-01-28T09:18:00.000-08:00

finally, it's back to the weekends again.
after the euphoria of monday's match, the mood pretty much deflated.
i've been extremely tired ever since.
frustrated too cos i couldnt train on wed and fri.
some shin problem that i've been having.
it's a niggling injury that comes and goes ever since sec2.

attended the sec one campfire earlier tonight.
it was great, congratulations nigel on a job sublimely done.
you made it look effortless.
nigel and mark were emcees for the campfire and nigel was jst brilliant.
poor mark was sick, if not he'd be at his sparkling best too.
it was good la, very sji-ish. with the typical songs, cheers and energizers that i've grown to be so fond of this 4 years. i'm feeling nostalgic already. aww.

anyway it was incredibly good to see shuying and vish who came down for the campfire after a long time.
they haven't changed.
vishnu abused my tummy. she punched every inch of it.
stupid flabbywabby.
overall it's been a good night.

im turning in now, gonna catch up on sleep.
nights all,
with love.

2005-01-25T03:38:00.000-08:00

and so my prediction was correct.
2005's gonna get better, and it has.
actually, monday kicked off rather sluggishly.
we had warm up for abt one hour, very thorough.
dynamics, contact then our moves.
and i was so tired, have no idea why.
slept at 11. i owe it to the long weekend, plus the jap match perhaps?

anyway. the whole mood changed from kick off.
i was damn fired up and it looked good.
montfort were averagely bigger, but we were better.
we played as a team and more or less controlled the match.
individually, i've nvr played a better game.
kicking-wise, im already 90% there.
scored a try, we did some decent backs moves, what more cld i ask for?
thanks char, for coming down.
my apologies, for what happened after.

hmm. TODAY.
came down for track.
it was rather slack though,
coach jst told me to do 2x100m sprints and a 300m.
it was great though, was kinda surprised with my timing?
whoosh whoosh whoosh.
11.3
42 for 300m. but was alr damn shagged from ytd match la.

life's been good.

but life has to be unfair too. tit for tat.
as my on-field exploits continue to prosper, whatever happens off it is unfortunately not as favoured as i'd like it to be.
ohwells. i cn't have everything, maybe this is a trade-off God gave me.
i wna be smiling like jon does everyday.
i wna be as free and easy as mark is.
i wna be as steady as nigel is.
grr.
i hate this hollowness that i feel, such a caustic emptiness deep in the depths of my heart.

love?
where the heaven are you.

2005-01-22T05:38:00.000-08:00

the japanese are great hosts.
we drew with them tdy, 10-10.
it was a great match.
they were tight, and very hard-hitting.
chee keong saved the day with two breath-taking tries.
and him being a forward, it really was breathtaking.
he showed amazing composure and presence of mind to sell a dummy to three backs rushing across to score the try. like, wow. the second one was through the centre, off a scrum. again, he sold a dummy to george at 10, and scored.
anyway, back to them being great hosts.
we played at farrer park, after that they invited us for drinks at tekka centre.
there was a free flow of drinks, and beer of course. but i didnt touch that. then they got us food as well.
haha, heaven. the beer alone must have cost hundreds, let alone the other drinks, cigarette packs and food.
i played at centre and wing, relatively okay i guess. i didnt really have to do much. did most of the running during the first 10 mins. after that, it was mostly forwards play.

sister loanna rocks.

2005-01-20T04:18:00.000-08:00

life's been surprisingly good to me.
3 weeks in 2005, and i havent had a single major problem.
nothing upsetting.
and i dn't see it going downhill from here.
this week's been great.
tuesday was good.
wednesday was good.
tdy was good.
but im really tired.
been, and will be having more up and coming matches.
singapore japanese association this saturday, monday it's with monfort.

confidence vs similarities.
who's gonna win?
only time'll tell.
have a good weekend.

2005-01-15T07:22:00.000-08:00

ntu was hard and mobile.
but disorganised.
we lost to them by one try.
it was a good match though, considering we had a rojak mixture of div1 and 2 players.
i should've gone for SRC's sports night, but if i did,
i would've missed the man utd match,
which ended in victory for them by the way.

im aching even more now.
took quite a number of heavy hits to my knee, quads and lower back.
ouch ouch ouch.

dinnered with mark and robs.
we had to wait for 20 mins cus it was full,
and the longan drink was SO dilute.
such a disappointment, really.
otherwise, it was good.

mark's giant churro was wicked.
oozing with hot chocolate.
totally heavenly.

jst open up your heart
and let me show you the way.

2005-01-14T17:58:00.000-08:00

dreams.
i had so many vivid dreams last night.
weird dreams.
nice dreams.

a particularly nice one.
which i hope will somehow, one day come true.

i'll be playing ntu ltr this afternoon.
whoosh.

2005-01-14T05:37:00.000-08:00

i was very heartened by tdy's trng.
it was productive, everyone gave their best (i'd assume)
and we got things done.

but it was really really tiring.
being in sec 4 and all,
every day in SJI becomes more memorable,
as the inevitable day when we'd leave this school that i love with all my heart looms closer.
and closer.
tdy, after trng i was reminded yet again on why SJI has become such a major part of my life.
the Josephian spirit is within me.
my blood, runs green and white.

i realised how much i missed sec one, with the camps and discovering the school and culture.
secondary school, for the friends i made and for the memorable camps i had.
psltc, prefects camp, love etc.
secondary three for it's eye opener, for making me wake up my idea.
the secondary ones had an overnight orientation camp.
mark, nigel and jon were involved.
i was waiting for mark to end after trng.
i was sitting in the corridor linking lt1 to the main door,
and i heard them singing the trademark SJI camps songs and cheering our hail hail and JOSEPHS.
their voices flowed into me and made me so, so proud of my school.
it gave my goosebumps la.
then i saw all the sec ones filing out of the lt, innocent and unknowing to what would be a great 4 years, jst like it has been for me.

i love my school.

2005-01-13T05:02:00.000-08:00

i've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
i've nvr seen you shine so bright.

i've nvr seen so many men asking if you wanted to dance,
looking for a little romance.

i have never seen that dress you're wearing,
or the highlights in your hair that catch my eyes.

i have been blind.
the lady in red.
is dancing with me, cheek to cheek.
thr's nobody here, it's jst you and me.
it's where i wna be.
and i hardly know,
there's beauty by my side.
i'll never forget, the way you look tonight.

i've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight
i've never seen you shine so bright,
you were amazing.
i've never seen so many people wanting to be there by your side
and when you turned to me and smiled,
you took my breath away.
i've never had such a feeling,
as i do tonight.

the lady in red..

2005-01-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

friends are the best thing that's ever happened to this world.

2005-01-08T07:43:00.000-08:00

Fockers was, without doubt humourous.
But i felt there were too much sexual humour and at times, a tad too corny though.
However, overall it was good.
Went to Lido for a 12plus movie.
and the lady at the ticket counter adamantly refused to let me in.
tskk. so we bus-ed down to ps...
only for me to get rejected yet again.
i was alr feeling dejected pls. haha.
we tried our luck at cine, the two went to get tickets and they bought one for me.

but somebody was trying to be funny with me, so she pretended, with a LAUGHING face that i wasnt allowed in, showing me only 2 tickets. fool. HAHA. (:

after we got through the entrace of the place, i felt so.. elated. FINALLY.
apparently cine only checks the year, not as strict as the other cinema operators which checked right up to the birthdate. lunched at kobayashi, i think. the jap eatery at the basement of cine.

it was a good day. saw quite a number of Josephians selling flags. topped off the day by visiting my uncle in Jurong to watch soccer and have dinner there.

argh. piano again tmr. i seriously dn't think i've got time for it.
i'm already so involved in training and school work that it leaves me with no time at all for piano.

off i go.
love.

2005-01-06T14:27:00.000-08:00

i stumbled upon my old blog.
the easyjournal one.
i had to wreck my brains for the password.
the entries were so.. foreignly familiar.
contradicting, yes.
the way i typed was somewhat the same, my train of thoughts were the same.
what was very foreign were the memories and the things that i wrote.
the d era as i would call it.

i've been in front of the pc since 8, this is very bad.
anyway, i met mrs j for a great snack at prata place and a good conversation.
about everything, basically. how 209's doing, how her boys are, a little gossip about the teachers, current affairs etc. she fetched her hubby who's the HOD for PE at RJ before sending me home and i took a peak at the premises with her. it's huge, of course and the place is so.... calming. as i stepped out of the car into the foyer, the air was calm and slightly breezing. as if it was singing its welcome. a sign of what's to come perhaps? haha i liked the place, it gave me good vibes. aaron also told me it was all fantastic there, so yeah.

gotta rush through my math now.
ta.

2005-01-05T03:42:00.000-08:00

tdy's training was great, i was rapturously delighted with the turn out for trng tdy. THIRTY FIVE for B Division alone, and that's a FIRST. and training was productive, did our rucks/mauls for the first hour. some ballwork and physical. we did circuits. the backs managed to squeeze in a little kicking practice after training too. so it's all good. amath's good, so far. physics is great with sirhan as tchr. it rocks at the moment. (:

Friendship and Love.

these two coexists in any relationship.
so which one comes first, friendship then love.
or love then friendship?
this is like the case of the debate on the who-came-first, chicken or egg.
in a way, i guess..
the burning question- how does one know when a friendship is meant for greater things, i.e love?
there never is a litmus test for something like this, for something so... heterogenously comprehended.
love is so diverse. love to me, is not love to you.
it often develops from a friendship, when one cannot contain this interfusion of emotions that transcends all logical understanding. but it is oh-so-very-oftenly confused and mixed up with a good friendship.
if that's the case then surely it is a sure-fire recipe for disaster.
i mean, certain relationships were even forged without the basis, the very foundation that is friendship.
how to survive?
lesson learnt tdy- stay well clear of love. AND relationships for that matter.
for now, at least.

2005-01-03T23:58:00.000-08:00

well well well.
yesterday's first day in school didnt go as bad as i expected, so that's a good thing. i thought yesterday was gonna be disastrous cos i couldnt get to sleep till 2 the night before. today was... tiring. all the lessons were pretty boring, especially chem and geog. i jst cn't help falling asleep. fatigue from training overwhelms you at times. got a sports bag jst now at canterbury. met up with jon, and we talked and stuff. i enjoyed it esp since we've rarely or never met up ever since we went to different classes last year. so far it's been good, i'm still pretty optimistic about everything. life's been really good and happy thanks to my endorphins-provider. lol. all's good. it's my sister's birthday today and i think we're gonna go for a buffet at fullerton. such a waste of time i've got loads of homework. differentiation didn't seem too bad after mr low went through it jst now.

ahora quien.

2004-12-31T20:45:00.000-08:00

goodness.
I wasted four hours of sleep just to blog. Worse, the enty did not come out as I desired. But it's fine. Wahhh one more day to SCHOOL. I'm kinda excited actually, not too excited about the homework I've gotta clear, though. Grrh. Hmm no idea what I'm gonna do today, BESIDES HOMEWORK. sheesh. At least there's training on Monday.

2004-12-31T07:23:00.000-08:00

IT'S GONNA END! the world's gonna step into 2005 in around 36 minutes more.
a recap on what i did today- met mark and shu at wheelock's. we were supposed to buffet at sakae's but the manager informed us that they weren't offering buffet for today. made sense, judging by the crowd inside and the snaking queue outside. aiyah, basically the mood was very tense and awkward and to cut the many drama scenes that unfolded short, we decided on lunching at swensen's. the baked rice was good as usual, mark had cheesy beef burger which was equally delightful. and the awkwardness slowly but surely dissipated... we then walked around, window shopped for bags, watches, wallets and clothes. but i didn't try anything on because it was crowded everywhere and it didn't really make sense especially since i wasn't intending on buying anything jst now. trained home with shu. had a barbeque over at my grandma's. they boought a cake and sang a bday song whilst i was reading in the room. i totally forgot my sister's birthday's 4 days away :/ it was good seeing my grandparents. as the years go by, i'm seeing less and less of them. which is bad, since they raised me up everyday for 6-odd years.
enough of today.

let's begin an insight on yesterday..

october, november, december.
i've got no more energy to continue. (i began from january all the way here) hahaha. it's already 3, i've been going at it since 12 and somehow it's so... void of emotion. sorry, descriptives were never my forte.

september.
emotions similar to our defeat of RI were stirred up as we beat scc on the 4th of sept. it was a must-win game and we didn't disappoint.
september 4th marked a very important milestone for mark. a happy day, i remember. heh. don't give up. stress stress stress.

august.
hmmm. i dn't have a link for august, i wonder why. i just remember more matches for src and obs at the end of the month.

july.
http://zulieee.blogspot.com/2004_07_01_zulieee_archive.html
hmm i started july rejuvenated. i started really wanting to do well and i'd have to say it started out well. i started training with src on tuesday and thursday nights, continuing my love affair with the Padang. hurms. i played my first ever Div 2 club match against bedok kings. one to remember, definitely. cos it was my first time playing at sentosa ( i didnt even know there was a pitch! ) src trainings are great and i play with a bunch of awesome ruggers. very gifted and the very best at the sport. playing with them, the ac guys especially has made me a better player and definitely more confident as well.
and of course, who could forget the 24th of July? the magical night. (: the night i still reminisce about with awe and fondness. kindred spirits was... undescribable, really. being out there in front of 700 pairs of eyes, to be caressing the keys, the notes which i grew to remember with such ease... the richness of the violin and the cello.. the harmony in sound.. i'd do ANYTHING to relive that night. i wna perform next year. i'm either gonna try emceeing or playing "cristofori's dream" it's a haunting, revolutionary piece by david lanz. new age. (: and so for this night alone, it made up for the rest of the shit that happened in july.

june.
http://zulieee.blogspot.com/2004_06_01_zulieee_archive.html
the wedding by nicholas sparks was superb. one of the best novels i've ever read, really. taman negara was fun. but it was marred by a stupid misunderstanding with sheer. that we're not even talking face to face till now. stupid stupid trivial misunderstanding. aiyah. lltc was a great experience too, the st pats guys were an eye-opener. it showed us the other side of the fence, in a way. but it was all good in the end. my group kinda had a funky mix of people.

may.
http://zulieee.blogspot.com/2004_05_01_zulieee_archive.html
ha. may was depressing, albeit it being my birthday month. fast rise, fast fall. but as i said, it's fine. i mean, some things happen to teach you certain lessons. and i sure learnt alot. i failed five subs can you believe it. after that i told myself, "zul this is it. you wake up your idea today" and i did la. which was good. failing 5 was the lowest point of my academic life in SJI. it wont happen again. unless someone sweeps me off my feet and drops me the next month again, la. haha. i got a jockstrap for my birthday courtesy of mark nigel and jon. buffeted at hyatt with them on my birthday night. hell fun. playing the piano too. whoosh. i seriously hope my 16th birthday this year would be memorable. guys make it fun okay.

april.
http://zulieee.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_zulieee_archive.html

as compared to the previous months, april's archives was twice more. something exciting, something fresh, something new was in my life. and i was ecstatic about it. ha. april's our school sports day. very exciting period too, the heats and all. i enjoyed it. the only major trick that was played was by Mrs Lajendar on her 407 class. immediately after everyone settled into class after assembly, she sent them out to the first level field. the whole class. looking damn serious as if they're being punished or something. then, she unfurled a vanguard sheet saying "April's Fool" haha i thought that was good. SJI's B Division concluded the Police Cup '04 with victory over RI of course. it's one of the best games i've played and the satisfaction at beating them.. it was like no other, really. zonghao of all people scored the solitary try. fantastic game. (: one that i'll always remember. and so it goes. i found someone who knocked me off my feet, someone who made me feel complete. very apt at that point of time. the friendship was blossoming quickly. too quickly, looking back now. but i wasn't gonna push it away, definitely not. i needed someone new in my life and she came at the right time. 9th april- taka, pastamania scotts, creamy chicken and marinara, forum, toys'r'us, coffee bean, kiwi strawberry. enough said. no awkwardness, things were very easy-going. thanks to yusof and mun who were there as well i guess. 10th. mark's birthday! triple fudge brownie, 190, cck, tuition. 100m finals. then, it was the best two days i had. many more to come. aiyahh. to cut a long and happy april short, it was fun. and memorable. and it thought me alot of things. the things we did, what we talked about would always remain etched in my memory. but nothing more. why remember the bad, when the blissful moments were enough to last a lifetime? thank you. hours and hours on the phone with school the next day. talked to ashley more, realised how amazing that guy was. solving problems and all. basically fun stuff, us doing weights, talking etc. thanks ash, really. sports day was great, breaking the record for 4x100 was wicked. yusof burnt the track man. but i guess next year onwards' gonna be a much tougher fight. no record, but the gold's enough. april concluded with jersey girl and a rather uneventful day. the beginning of the end. heh.

march.
http://zulieee.blogspot.com/2004_03_01_zulieee_archive.html

hahaha. we beat barker. and my entry was apparently kinda controversial and definitely pugnacious. but ohwells it was written in glee as it was a hard-fought win. we celebrated nigel's birthday in style. it didnt really go as planned, but it was smooth enough. we sang his birthday song at the paragon rooftop to conclude that day and yeah, it was indeed a joyous occasion. memorable for him as well as for us. just one of the many activites zmni jvi did together to strengthen our bonds of friendship. the march holidays was forgettable i'd suppose? i dn't recall much save for the trainings that we had. hmm oh YES! the scc 7s. that sparked my love affair with the Padang. hah. i love playing 7s, especially scoring the tries. hoho. i loved it, it really bonded the team. which consisted of basically the core members of the team, both backs and forwards. aaron, khidir, joel, myself, russell, john thio, mark, javier, kann and shaun. sji vs sas. this match never fails to garner much attention. it's always been a clash of epic proportions, basically. we were deadlocked till ten minutes into the second half. one player single-handedly let down the whole team. one player let it 3 tries, all scored through this player's running lines. with this loss, our dream of reaching the finals just disappeared into thin air. months and months of preparation meant for nothing. SJI, again, were destined for the 3rd&4th placing just like every other year before them. just cos of that one player, who didnt tackle. who somehow, screwed up. it just shows no matter how motivated or fired up you are, you can still suffer from lapses in concentration. i reckon it was a day that player wanted to forget. he teared after the match. hard. and buried that day till today. as this player who let the team down recalls that dreadful day. it's thought me alot, and i'll never let the team down like that ever again. ever. i got to know this girl whom i fell head over heels for. my first conversation with this girl lasted till 2 am in the morning. knowing this girl gave me a whole new definition for "sizzling chemistry."

february.
http://zulieee.blogspot.com/2004_02_01_zulieee_archive.html

i was kind of lovesick or so i thought at the start of feb, hence the song "all out of love" the emptiness left by d was starting to kinda sink in. but of course i eventually came to terms with it. there would be many occasions to follow where i'd feel really out la, especially when everyone around me's involved with a special someone. but one of the things i've learnt is that, this so called lovesick feeling is nothing more than a phase, lasting not more than a few days or weeks. training is as intensive as it could get. i hosted the rugby barbeque and it was great, most of the B Division were there. Javier and Mark slept over that night, drinking Jack Daniel's and a Corona. hahaha. we had to smuggle the bottles out of the room the next morning :/ reading back the entries in feb and jan, i realised that there was a certain spring or positiveness from me which i cn't sense now. the difference would tell after april, i'm sure. heh. i recall the RI game. haha we lost to them marginally. but well, it was a match to forget and i had distractions off-field too. oooh. CHARLOTTE was there. that, i recall. haha. we had dinner at junction8, jav shu jan and dalun. mel jo were there too. after that, we went to novena terrace and hankypankied there. hahahaha. a.... 5-some? eeyer. heh i already had some problems in february. very... tumultous.

january.
http://zulieee.blogspot.com/2004_01_01_zulieee_archive.html

i recall writing a long entry as i am intending to write now, exactly a year ago. and i don't know what i pressed but it just disappeared. being a doo, yes char i hear you. ha. the first day of school remains hazy but i recall it being very quiet. but of course only for the first day. every day that followed developed into a place that could rival any wet market around.. complete with the ah mois haggling for vegetable prices, serious. through it all, i was thankful for yusof. he was the sole reason that prevented me from going insane in a class which i totally didnt fit into. i shudder at the prospect of going through sec 4 next year without him. knowing him really made life happier and all. we were really close la. but as alicia keys says, "what goes up must come down" and like all good things, something happened and things deteriorated. but things are fine now, although the same kinda chemistry can never be rekindled, i'm thankful nonetheless. i "escaped" from the disdain i had for my class by playing and training even harder for rugby. i liked my new teachers though, very warm and they seemed really sincere to help. i took quite awhile to accept tracy goh but i soon realised she's very very patient and yeah she's a great teacher. i recall being in charge of sec101 for the secondary one orientation camp. it was good, i guess. the guys were damn small la, haha. all in all, january like all the previous januaries, are very hazy. nothing more than orientation stuff, and getting used to new environments etc. i hope i'll start this january on a great note, and everything else can fall into place

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
tomorrow and beyond..

myself- we all know it's gonna be big year for you and every other 16 year old this year. you yourself know that this is it, your last year in SJI, your last season playing rugby for SJI, your last year being in a class in SJI, having recess in SJI's canteen, peeing in SJI's stink-ass toilets (irrelevent).. so on and so forth. zul you've gotta be disciplined, more than ever. when it comes to conplete assignments, you complete. when it comes to revising, you revise. fun? hanging out? i'm sure you'll have fun and all. i think i'll do fine this year. be strong zul, be strong.

nigel- hey. (: what a year, eh? we leave 2004 with a stronger and more solid friendship. you've always been there when i needed motivation, i would never forget your sms when i was so close to giving up nearing to the end year's. it's a two way thing nigel. we're there for each other okay? you be strong. you be happy. so much has happened, but you'll come out of it a stronger person, having learn from the mistakes and all. you're very blessed, nigel. i really cn't thank you enough for the laughter, the tears, the stress. everything! oh and mark spotted a singh tdy, hence a very nasty bruise on my arm. God bless you, 2005 and beyond. pour toujours.

maaaaaaaaaark- sustain the fire and passion. just 4 months more, i know you'll do it. you too be strong. aiyah you're strong but be more patient and tolerant of everybody ard you. thank you okay? for allowing me an avenue to release my lame jokes. and my stink-ass farts as well. haha. chicken shit wld always be available. jst tell me. looking forward to '05 with you along with ni and jon.

jon (: - jon, jon jon. what can i say? haha THE joke. i love you okay. mark doesnt mean it, i do. you're forever there to prevent me from slipping into fantasy world. meaning, your cool cucumber demeanour allows me to see things clearly whenever i've got distractions or whatever. it's been a great year. and i'm happy for you jon. enough said, happy new year and all the best for canoeing and ahem ahem yeah? (:

ruggers '05- train hard, whenever each of you feel like giving up during physical or a match, think of SJI. you reap what you sow. let's die together to get to the finals, guys. our last chance. cheers to the final.

eunice- you've been a really fun part of my life and you've provided comic relief. regardless of how lame we can be lah. but the peanut butters, 100 dollar honey, wasabe seaweed and your piano wld be dearly remembered no matter what. you have fun next year, okay. jst have fun, fail everything it doesnt matter. you're still sec3. hah. this is the year you get involved in shit. why, cos i trust you wont be a bad girl right. thanks eunice, for everything. all the best. (:

shuying- ac girl! with new climacools to boot eh? i'll be your reflection... your mirror for many more years to come dearest. take care okay, enjoy jc life. (:

robs- i'm glad i was of some help to you. you can continue to always count on me okay? whenever, about whatever, wherever. i've always had nice conversations with you, mostly online and it's been a pleasure knowing you. we're so alike, especially about our ideals on love. well, pls be strong you. dont give me anymore nonsense about seul or anything like that okay? i want more positivity. it's there, all in you robs. you jst need the confidence, alright? all the best dear (:

fanis- i'll remind you again, NO MORE LATE DINNERS IN 2005 okay? haha stubborn you. it's unhealthy. hope your sister recovers faster than schedule so she can start writing again. as for you, well. i've got confidence in you, you seem to reek of success. so dn't give up even if you wont be able to see the results now. it'll show through. thanks for being there, cu. i appreciate it, really.

denise- what a year. but we survived. remember what i told you in the email okay. enough said. dn't be distracted or whatever. show me the 6 points for Os. okay? talk to you soon. (:

melissa- haha hey NERD! =D pretty elegant nerd, la okay? haha. no wonder you werent showing your teeth when you smiled in StarShots. we havent really gone out much like last year, but i'm glad we wrapped up 2004 with that Christmas Eve. thanks mel. your cheerfulness and that omni-present high pitched voice, that ever-so-distinct "totally" nvr fails to make me smile. haha. continue the gossip okay? they're all saying it's gonna be a busy year. therefore when we catch up you gotta be ready to tell me everything i should know. thanks for the times i needed to thrash things out and you were there. you've been great. have a good year, i'll pray you wont get all the homework you loathe alright. (: goodluck.

pei- same applies to you. where were you before the Christmas Week man?? haha glad you're back though. continue walking down the straight road okay? (:

jo- you've got to know what you want. i can only guide you, you have to make the decisions okay? dn't get too distracted too. i'll be here for you. good luck jo.

clara- fish! it's been fun, the conferences, prata and all. thank you, you've never failed to try to always be there for me. all the best next year okay, regardless of your Os, work hard okay? and be happy.

CHARLOTTE- what have we here? -looks around. it looks like.... bull poo. i've saved the best for last okay, honoured? haha and there you go starting to dot me. it's been..... phenomenal having you around during the holidays. glad we kinda got closer. the jokes, the taunts, the gossips. goodness, i shall refrain from such feminine indulgences starting today. haha. when things looked bleak, you were there. (zoo/rugby dilemma) in you, i find many similarities which i can really relate to. and it's such an unspoken joy whenever i speak to you. but we're practically laughing every other sentence, please. i'm overjoyed that i've finally found someone who's able to give me a daily, regular dose of endorphins. haha. definitely we wont be able to have the same kinda madness and fun once school starts, but it's been a holiday to remember for sure. we wont drift. thanks char, for everything. good luck. dn't ever let anything deter you from dance or whatever. you're a really confident person so go out and do your thing okay? sexy ass? haha. looking forward to seeing you at my matches.

and so it ends. 4 hours of this. and i'm not satisfied. i havent been able to portray what i'm feeling. many things i havent written down. but then again, descriptives, eh? haha. goodnight. it's 0415. i'd better get some rest. homework day tmr.

love, all.

2004-12-30T06:38:00.000-08:00

It pains me when I read Nigel's entry on the group's blog.
As I recalled the times that he described..
As his words slowly made its way into my system, killing every cell mercilessly along the way...
I just couldn't help but shake my head in incredulity. At how unfair and cruel life can be at times. At how one person's life can go careening out of control at the decision of another. At how God can allow such injustice to be done to someone who in my eyes is the most perfect and flawless human being around.

Today was the prefects' AGM. Although it was nothing but an agm. Today was a complete waste of time. Why, because nothing productive was done. The icebreakers weren't even icebreakers. Sydney Tan didn't even brief us about what's gonna happen on the first day of school. He only came in and rambled something about the first 2 of the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and left cause he had to meet a parent. 396 new Sec Ones, 46% of which are from CBS ( Christian Brother Schools ) In Sydney's eyes, that's a good thing cos then the school spirit could be nurtured much easier.

I'm still coming to terms with tomorrow being the last day of the year. And not to mention the ever-rising death toll. Scary, really. This pretty much sets the mood and tone for 2005, eh? Whilst us, fools, would be partying the night away tomorrow here and around the globe, hundreds of thousands of Asians would be mourning loss of lives, property etc. It's not difficult to make this world a better place, really. Sydney Tan said, "What do you do when you see a piece of litter in public? You pick it up and throw it away. Just imagine if everyone had this mentality, it'd be a much cleaner place. I thought it made sense, that if all of us synergise and put our hearts and minds to a single cause, eg, end poverty, it can be done really. Soccer players, even those in the lower rungs of the Premiership, their weekly salary if converted to Sg Dollars is equivalent to many a family's ANNUAL salary. It's ridiculous, the money given out. I'm slowly opening my eyes to the many vices and injustices in this world. And like any other teenager conscious of everything happening not only around them, but beyond them, I'm frustrated at the lack of action being done. Oh wells, again, as Sydney said " Let us concentrate on the small, achievable things first. The major issues, we let our government handle "
He makes alot of sense. As much as I hate his decisions with regards to the PB, I never fail to admire and respect him for his wisdom, attitude and character.

Recollection starts tomorrow.

Love, all.

2004-12-29T04:40:00.000-08:00

Today's training concluded everything for 2004. It was fun.
3 hours of touch rugby + many tries + much laughter = an excruciating cramp in my left calf. haha it was a comical sight to behold. i was writhing in pain on the floor but laughing as well. tried to burn mark on the wing, but ended up burning my calf please. haha but it hurt. it's the worst cramp i had so far. but worth it. we did some circuits, eg pushups, crunches, squats etc. today's training emphasised the point yet again, that i shouldnt take the team for granted. i took for granted that everyone, at least the first teamers would come for training three times a week, every week. but i guess not.. i dn't know. maybe they're not as passionate about rugby or whatever. but i've learnt not to take it for granted. it's simple really, they dn't turn up, we cn't achieve anything. and judging by how the holiday training has been, i dn't think they wna win.. let alone reach the finals. if they cannot come down for training regularly, what about when they're in a match.. defending our try line from the opposition with 10 mins left? i do not wna think abt it.

the death toll's swelled to 67 000, apparently. and many more thousands are still unaccounted for. this is really bad. the thing is, we're so near everything, but yet so far. get what i mean?

hmmm. only two days left till 2005. mentally, i've more or less geared myself up for it. police cup '05, my studies. a math in particular. malay too. and maybe track. but that challenge comes only after rugby so i wouldnt wna think much about it. realistically, we can still reach the final despite the dismal attendances throughout the holiday. a few faces have been around with me for each and every training and i would like to give them credit.

firstly, my most enthusiastic, most loyal and the team mate whom i would turn to on the field to rely on- wei kann. you've improved tremendously. your reading of the game especially. do continue to influence the forward pack okay? cheers to the final mate.

yuan zu- he's the quiet one. he plays centre along with me. never hear his voice at all. but he's a great player all the same, having improved alot since last year. speed wise, technically and also the reading of the game. it's all good. thanks for being there and also for bringing my man down whenever i wimp out. wah hah.

max- mr sensitive, as he calls himself. famed for his jinxing and superior acceleration. great tackler, but has to improve on his reading of the game. another one of those players i can count on in a game to save the team.

and of course mark. the reluctant player. haha you've lost the drive, find training sian but i know i can still count on you. pls be better than boon rong okay. (:

these 4 have been indispensable, always the first on the starting line up, and whom i can always count on to come for training. thanks guys, dn't know what i'll do without you.

i'm intending to recollect the whole year and blog abt it, with help from my archives. i think it'd be fun, although owing to school days and all there's not many entries. but ohwells i think it'd be fun.

i think that'd be all lah.

love.

2004-12-27T19:13:00.000-08:00

I wasn't even aware of the earthquake and the resulting tsunamis that devastated and perished whole islands and lives until either Jon or Vish mentioned it to me. It was obviously a big thing, as I switched between BBC and CNN. The calamity shocked us as it did to everybody else- at a time of celebration. Just when I thought that Russian bombings; or the Nicoll Highway incident would be as bad as it could get for 2004, this earthquake struck. God IS trying to send us a message. We've just repeatedly turned away His signs. Blind and deaf to His cries for peace and love and devotion to Him. It's not much to ask for right?

We were going about having a wonderful dinner at Jon's place and the next thing i knew, thousands were killed across Asia from Indonesia to India. Thank God Singapore's situated nicely between Malaysia and Indonesia.
But my question- Just how long more till Singapore gets hit by a major catastrophe? What if half our population is wiped out by say, an earthquake? What if some psycho terrorist group does actually manage to sneak a bomb into somewhere central, somewhere with a large crowd? (God forbid)
Are we really really prepared, mentally prepared, for such a thing to happen? Or have we lapsed into apathy and obscurity? After Sept 11, we've gotten used to reading abt bombings and wars and natural disasters there that death tolls mean nothing more than a statistic to us anymore. After all, we're safely nestling at home in accident-free Singapore right? But how long more would our skies be blessed with clouds with silver linings? Just how long more would our streets be safe and not marred be with tragedy, devastation and loss of lives? Physically we are ready. I'm just skeptical about the mental part. SARS displayed our valor and how we rallied together. But it's still considered small-scale, with less than a thousand deaths. We wont have such luck forever. It's just a matter of time, if you ask me. So be prepared.

2004-12-25T05:52:00.000-08:00

2004-12-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

the anticipation.. all week..
for this day, this night.
such excitement that i harboured, but all for nothing.
a huge disappointment.
the crowd was a disappointment. i never liked the crowd. tonight, it was claustrophobic, stifling and suffocating. everywhere along orchard rd was jst packed, serious. and irritating.. hundreds were spraying cans of confetti and snow and whatever which was super irritating cos they sprayed on everybody and anybody. i met denise, mel, pei, sarah and kristine (sp?) the girls were decked out in black, very classy especially mel's. haha denise looked like candy, y'know the striped red&white cane lollipop. we headed for forum, i have no idea why and then we trooped all the way to cine just so that mel cld get her present from william? hahaha. so tired. i've never liked crowds and really, this would be the first and the last time i'll ever be in town during christmas. either that or i expected more, stg like in '02. today was very forgettable lah. but it's an experience all the same no doubt.

my eyes are drooping already. sleep beckons.
good night, all.
Merry Christmas.

love.

2004-12-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

the french call it echecs.
us, english-speaking idiots, call it chess.

a board game for two players, each beginning with 16 pieces of six kinds that are moved according to individual rules, with the objective of checkmating the opposing king. it's smart, engaging and addictive. however, the game of chess may unfortunately be not too straight at times with the myriad ways of defeating your opponent. but hey, it's possible. echecs may take a long time, but there's always a remote chance of achieving that elusive checkmate.

Out of the blue

There I met you

Showed me a life

I can't see without you

And theres just no way

That I can fight these emotions

Your energy running through me

Nobody can renew me like you.

2004-12-22T05:34:00.000-08:00

what a frustrating, emotion-sapping day.

trained this morning.
i guess it provided scant consolation for a day that was destined to go down as one to be forgotten.
we did 60m sprints, which was great but i died on the last one, heh.
showered and we met jon for prata.
we were laughing so hard throughout and i welcomed it. i guess we all welcomed it, it gave us an opportunity to actually put aside the turmoil that's been happening around us and to have a few good hours of pure unbridled fun. we went over to my place to change then headed to town to meet mark.
the mood kinda went downhill after that. i was lost, aimless. clueless abt what to get for everybody. i didnt even know who to get stuff for. sheesh. so we were aimlessly walked everywhere in town and ended up buying nothing. nevertheless it was great meeting up with everybody after so long.

i've been in town for the 3rd consecutive day. hell boring, i cn't stand it anymore. the temptation to jst heck it all abt getting presents seems overwhelming. i dn't know. i should have bought them earlier, and i shd have remembered to bring the stuff from bali. sucha dweeb, i am. i had dinner at jo's. i enjoyed that, it was good being there again after ages. her mum especially..
her god family was there and they were a bunch of nice people. i was feeling a little awkward and self-conscious at first though. the food was SUPERB. she made pasta (seafood marinara) and the customary turkey.
one word to describe it- heaven.

basically it's been jst up and down again. and yeah i've got no complains as long as it balances up.
i've gotta be in school tmr, for the school posting tmr. by SEVEN. goodness.

2004-12-21T02:54:00.000-08:00

i jst typed an an entry, expressing my astoundment at a revelation a close friend revealed to me.
there's no word that cld summarise how i felt, honestly. anyway, jst as i was abt to click on "publish post" i accidently pressed a wrong key and the whole entry vanished. i reasoned that perhaps it wasn't right to write it out, so i'll leave it as it is.

hurms. i met eunice tdy to catch up on everything before she jets off for shang/beijing on Christmas Eve.
we had a very nice conversation abt everything, jokes and all. hah. we were at tcc, my first time there and i liked the place. marvelling at how it's right smack at Level 2 of Cine and it manages to keep the sound out. i thought lips was the best place in cine to talk and stuff.. apparently not. Tcc's better, but the prices and much more ex! gee. thanks eu, you have a good trip and Merry Christmas.

it's 2247. .
after feeling upset over what happened this evening...
after leaving this page as it was since 8plus...
after a barrage of calls,
after much heartache,
i think my Christmas is officially wrecked.
you can say it's a slight consolation that it's nothing directly troubling me. hell, it's even worse that it's not my problem because then i've got no control over the outcome. sigh it's bad. and this alone is enough to put off my anticipation of Christmas. i've nvr felt so.. weak. so useless. and some people jst has to interfere, trying too hard to clear things out. look, you stay out. you know nuts abt neither of them. pls. gee, i jst felt like telling you to f*** off.

such a rollercoaster day.
a day of extremes.

2004-12-20T07:28:00.000-08:00

i love this song.
taufik sang this during sg idol.
if only my grasp of malay is better, i'd have translated it.
sorry.

2004-12-18T02:36:00.000-08:00

i've been looking around for a blog template.
something more.. subdued.
orange is rather loud, and somehow i cannot relate to the fish anymore.
saturday's been rather, boring. i wasted it all away on three movies- new york minute, open water and bad boys. i bought 15 dvds for twenty bucks at bali.
dirt cheap.
i cn't wait for the match and dinner tmr, it's gonna be kick-ass fun meeting the guys again.
and everybody's coming back tmr, thank God.
jon, vish and char. whoosh.
im still rather sick, the food poisoning's still around. happens everytime i return from bali.

i've been thinking of recollecting this year.
month by month with aid from the archives, it would be fun. although there would still be many gaps in between. i wonder if i should even do it, events that i still remember happening crystal clear.

and this thing i feel inside has become a parasite, gnawing away inside.
i do not know what i'm doing.
im also frustrated by the fact that i can never write what i wna write here.
because.
anybody anywhere anytime can read it. and somehow your entries are always influenced by such elements. many a times, i've deleted whole entries simply cos i've deemed it too personal.. or perhaps i've feared it wldn't be well-received by somebody. you get what i mean.
there's no trng at all next week due to the Christmas break. bali was productive, i managed to go to the gym and do my running regularly so it's all good. it was a pity that i cldnt go down for the match against jjc. teo said i needn't as there was only abt 20mins left so yeah. but i heard the guys did well, beating them soundly. so that's good news all the same i guess.
Christmas weeks have always been so.. rushed and hectic. the only time of the year when i see town so packed. nvr liked it then. but im looking forward to it, i wna spend every single day out with my friends and all. mm.

Love at first sight is quite impossible isn't it. It's jst a load of bull. The instantaneous attraction that one feels when one sees the other for the first time is merely lust. How can it be love? It's jst a mere fantasy, stuff made out by hopeless romantics. Stuff from books, or movies. What are the chances of a mutual instantaneous attraction?
Why the hell are you even writing about this, you ask.
I'm trying to reason out the logic behind this whole thing. Cos I saw someone, and this someone makes me feel as if my whole future lies with her. Impossible, you say. Yes it is. I'm a skeptic, yes. Reality deals with you harshly at times and you learn. Therefore, it's a mere infatuation. Anyway this happened a few weeks before Bali and during my stay there, during the many hours spent by the pool i have concluded that it's mere infatuation. Duh.

2004-12-17T01:52:00.000-08:00

my eardrums are still sore.
i was rooted to my seat at hard rock's centrestage.
the band, solidaz from nz was awesome. they played all kinds of genres, very versatile. i shunned such loud live music. but last night, I was there from 10 to 2am. somehow, and somewhat ironically, the loud music the drum beats pounding mercilessly into my ear provided a solace of sorts. i drowned in the music, allowed myself to be carried away, seemingly in a trance. the incessant pounding of the speakers at full volume gave me a drug-like "high".
with so much stuff on my mind, i welcomed the noise, as i would have it termed. mark would be proud, heh.

anyways im back in sg, back to reality, back to everything.
too fast.
thanks to the guests whom we had to entertain practically everyday. gosh.
tuesday-friday totally passed over like wind. before i know it, im at the airport, then the plane, then singapore again. there isn't any kinda equality, an equation that makes sense. i was feeling nostalgic there, and now, here back home, i yearn to be back in bali. urgh

complete me.

2004-12-15T04:02:00.000-08:00

tdy was an ass-irritatingly boring day.
my dad had to bring the guests around bali, to the cultural areas like Ubud and Kintamani.
basically Ubud's the place where the poshest of posh resorts are situated and it's also the place where carpenters carve the beautiful wood sculptures and all. Kintamani is situated further up north at a height of 1500m above sea level. it's literally cool there, and that place provided the only consolation for me. the scenery was breath-taking. had lunch at the balcony and we were facing this mountain, capped by clouds and right below at the foot of it, a shimmering, blue, resplendent and simply amazing lake capped off an amazing lunch. i was like, gaping at it throughout cos it was seriously beautiful. whoosh. after that we journeyed our way down to a few other places. i got back not too long ago. i still cn't access hotmail, how irritating.

and addie, you can stop it. jst click stop and it'll stop. y'know, the li'l button with a red X at the top of the screen. wah hah.

love.

2004-12-14T05:11:00.000-08:00

everybody's got something they had to leave behind
one regret from yesterday, that jst seems to grow with time.
thr's no use looking back or wondering,
how it cld have been now, or might have been
this i know, but still i cn't find ways to let you go.

and so on.

was at the pool late afternoon today and this song stopped me right in my mental tracks and sit and to listen. and lyrics jst... blew me away? heh.
today was good. did the run ard kuta again, plus an hr plus of weights. wasted two hrs of sleep watching the manchester game. pretty much sums up this season, them leading till the last few minutes and some nutcase has gotta score. ohwells.

love.

2004-12-13T05:20:00.000-08:00

3rd day

my cousin came in ard 1300hrs for his honeymoon.
they only spent a night here at Kuta, and then they were gonna move on to Gili Islands, some exotic place if im not wrong. but it was fun having him ard since im kinda close to both him and his wife. we had lunch, then I introduced him to Kuta's Beach. hahaha 3 hrs of fun getting pounded by the waves. we spent the night shopping for skirts and stuff for his wife, who looked gorgeous in them. and we jst bar-hopped till 2. was dead beat when we got back.

4th.

well i woke up, and ran ard kuta then did some weights. my dad had to attend to some guests who jst arrived and we hafta bring them ard. so much for a much-needed holiday away from such disturbances. ohwells. i swam in the evening. i nvr really liked such holidays. given the situation with the rest of my family. and im practically with them 24/7 for a week. no privacy whatsoever. i've spent my time reading, finished two books alr. thrillers by andy mcnab and david baldacci. the latter was a good read, kept me rooted to my bed practically the whole day of today and yesterday. heh. im starting on "the time traveller's wife" tmr. i've had plenty of stuff to think abt.
basically on how the year has been, the team, on love, on the people i've loved and lost, on my dearest friends and also the rendezvous with ms joy around this time last year too. hahaha. yeah right. more like i had to trudge outta my hotel room at 9plus to guide you ard to get your roxy stuff right. ass.

the topics, people, events that's gone through my mind are far too many to be collated and published here. kinda sad, but that's always been the case so what the hell. i've been at this cafe for ard an hour already. the time's 9plus.

robs you're a genius. thankyousomuch for the autograph. im grinding my teeth in envy that you managed to go for taufik's birthday party. but really, it was extremely thoughtful on your part to have gotten the signature for me. i owe you one dear (:

alright. im gonna call it a night. gonna retreat back to the room, or maybe i'll jst lie by the beach pool. i love the ambience at this time of the night.

love.

2004-12-10T21:33:00.001-08:00

jst got back from lunch at pizza hut.
it's been okay i guess.
typical bali day for me, heh.

woke up and gymed for ard two hrs.
but it's been kinda boring!
cos it's only my family ard.
at least my cousin's coming down for his honeymoon tmr.
yeah besides that, it's been pretty ordinary.

hopefully i'll go down to the beach for some waves ltr.
whoo.
thr're babes galore, it's peak time here.
wah hah.
if only mark was here. bleh.

love!

2004-12-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

2004-12-04T05:42:00.000-08:00

Love knows no reasons,
love knows no lies.
Love defies all reasons,
love has no eyes.
But love is not blind,
love sees but doesn't mind.

i love you just the way you are

2004-12-03T06:04:00.000-08:00

i enjoyed today.

although today didnt really start off well because i couldn't sleep the whole night. firstly i was woken up by jon's phone call at ard 1 i think. i got irritated because i just fell asleep. y'know, the feeling to be rudely awaken just as you doze off. i rejected his call. hah. sorry jon, it's not your fault yeah. and the incident basically set the tone for the whole night. everytime i tried falling asleep, i'd be awaken by one thing or another.

went to src to use the hot/cold pool cos my muscles were still kinda bruising from wednesday. met ling at suntec after that. it was so good seeing her after ages, since july to be exact. i really enjoyed time with her, we lunched at pasta scotts. shared a pizza, soup and garlic bread. thanks sweets! (:

the match was good, fun. relaxing. i enjoyed it. although it was kinda intimidating coming up against the likes of weiqi, ben and the other older old boys. hah. it was really good seeing the team. aaron, joel, khidir, gerald (wah hah) and alvin. it definitely brought back not only a smile to my face but a flood of memories with it as well. flashbacks of matches played together and all. too bad i didnt have the opportunity to play with them today. i didnt know my src team mates, sean and paul, were from sji. and yeah, i played with them for a quarter of the match. today's match was okay i guess, i got my running lines right most of them time. my kicking wasnt too bad either so it's a good day. to sum everything up i went over to javier's for dinner and to watch some show. basically to catch up with things, reminiscent of my sec1-2 days. hah.

2004-12-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

such.. ebullience!
such joy.
such happiness
such jubilance! exhilaration!

ahhhh.
HE won.
WHOOOOOOOOOSH.
i dn't believe this.
simply cos i thought sly had a larger fan base.
ha!
so sg idol has some meritocracy after all.
taufik deserved to win. every single bit.
for his evolution from being a "arrogant, unpolished diamond" to being the gem that he is now.
for possessing those amazing eyes, the eyes that exudes such raw emotion those eyes that exudes such charm and whatever! it's jst cool and he's so SMOOTH. somehow he has the complete package! char only likes his voice. you said it okay, you can only have his voice. i can imagine taufik's songs being played on airwaves worldwide. such versatality! im like drowning in elation!

good night!

2004-11-29T06:22:00.000-08:00

everybody's looking for that something.
that one thing that would make it all complete.
that one thing that would be the ultimate reason to live.
that one thing that be make life all worthwhile.

some find it in the faces of their children
some, in their lover's eyes.
who can deny the joy it brings?
when you've found that special thing,
you're flying without wings (:

as impossible as it may seem,
you've gotta fight for every dream.
cos who's to know, which one you'd let go
would've made you complete.

for me, it'd be waking up beside you.
to watch the sunrise on your face
to know that i can say i love you
at any given time or place.

you're gonna be the place my life begins
and you'll be where it ends.

and l'amour de ma vie remains at large.

love.

2004-11-29T03:26:00.000-08:00

today's training pretty much summed up the frustration that i've felt since training restarted in late october. we're playing sas this wednesday and sajc on friday.
for today's training, 27 turned up. 10 sec ones, 3 sec twos and 14 sec threes. our forwards packed included jay at wing forward, ig at prop and bryan as a second row. which simply means that we're severely short of first teamers.

our first team already requires a whole load more of improvement, what more our reserves! so many are overseas. i used to fret as i looked at each and every one of my team mates and used to shake my head in despair at some of the first teamers. but today has taught me to appreciate and make do with whoever that we have. i was very surprised at how mr teo did the selecting.
imagine you're coach, and you're faced with only one or two first teamers and like, so many reserves that you've rarely seen before! but no, he jst went up and made do with who we had. wow. i respected him, really. cos i'll be damn frustrated. he jst went abt choosing the team.

i do not under rate the team, nor do i look down on them. i am frustrated due to the lack of urgency that a majority of them show. they dn't seem to understand the fact that for us to achieve a credible 3rd or higher, we've gotta work hard. very hard. but no, they're coming for trng as if it's jst for leisure, putting in only half of their best effort. what crap is this? stop mucking ard damn it! only a handful give in their best. the rest.... i havent even seen them for trng. it's worrying and i've been under tremendous stress due to this. i hope the two upcoming matches would wake them up to reality. the reality that we're a really weak side currently.

leadership. captaincy.
i know not of where my fault lies. andy has told me that i'm rather self centred and i go abt during trng supposedly with a swagger. i disagree. i consciously make an effort to lower myself and try to be part of this year's team. i regret not bonding with them earlier. but it was only natural that i was closer to the snrs, (aaron's batch) why? because i was of a similar frequency with them and also cos i alr started playing with them in secone. this year's police cup bonded us even closer, am i to be blamed? no. whenever i try to chat up with my team mates, they speak of games like halo or rome empire or whatever. how to talk! on the field i've gotta admit, i do not really have a control over the team. they're very sluggish, irresponsive to me. like when we do warm ups and all. again, it comes down to having a lack of urgency. i dn't understand, really. maybe they are trying, but not hard enough perhaps? i dn't know. whatever it is i jst hope it changes, starting from the match against saints.

i learnt abt both the matches only today during morning trng. i guess after today's training, SJI goes into the match on wed with morale on an all-time low. really, it was depressing. sad. kann and i were trying to get the others to talk and all.. and again, no response. !!
thr's only so much max, kann, zu, mark and i can do for the team. it's the team effort. if the forwards do not recycle fast, if the forwards cannot win the scrums and line-outs, the backs wont get any opportunity to score at all! look at saints- their pack are solid, i dn't even wna talk let alone think abt their back line. good thing asanul's out for this one. but rather than focusing on them, i guess we'd jst hafta focus and concentrate our effort and scrape through both this matches. if sas is daunting, sajc wld be even worse. why? not only cos of the mental fear that they're better but also cos they're definitely more physically imposing. the thought of jay or kann going against weiqi scares me. wah hah. there's somewhat an air of resignation going around, as if all of us have accepted the fate. our fate that it's gonna be a screwed up season.
bullshit. we've still got a long way to go, we still can improve, we still can reach the finals.

commitment and urgency and focus guys.

today was kinda fun before afternoon trng. mark moses max and zu came over to my place after morning physical to shower and all. ate at far east then proceeded to dfs to sleep before gg for trng again. a hell of a lame time with them man. haha charlotte likes her present! whoo (:
i've got the SJI sports conference tmr, which most prolly lasts the whole day. thinking of catching shutter after that, heard it was kinda good. shrugs i'll see how the situation tmr goes.
im all alone at home, everyone's at the chalet in east coast. but i passed cos i was too tired.

love.

p.s. enamoured no more.

2004-11-27T05:17:00.000-08:00

i invited the clique including lloyd and shu over for lunch tdy.
jon had con camp, so he couldnt make it.
d hadta go sch so she couldnt make it.
haha but today was still a bundle of fun nonetheless.

started off the morning at 9.
met nigel and vish for a run at macritchie.
we saw white eagles and seagulls.
wah hah.
it was a good run i guess, run twice.
first with vishnu, the second without.
vishnu is such a goof.
she was trying to throw her slipper at nigel,
and it ended up in a bush and we spent a good 5 minutes trying to find it.

lloyd arrived ard 1, mark&shu around 30minutes after?
we played bluff and daidee which was rather fun, cos we were playing this variation of daidee whereby there's a "caste" syste somewhat. a king, queen, eunuch and a maotong. (toilet bowl) the positions are decided from the first round of the game. kinda fun ahhaha especially for the one condemned to maotong. it jst sounded funny. after lunch, we went down for table tennis and i BEAT NIGEL SELVANATHEN finally. big daddy finally beats you, ass! wah hah.

training has become ass irritating. andy you're making me inhibited alright? im no aaron. pls jst let me be myself. if me not being able to live up to aaron, OR the captaincy for that matter, go ahead and get a better captain okay? sheesh.

2004-11-27T02:50:00.000-08:00

a classic fool, i was. heh

2004-11-21T05:53:00.000-08:00

what a GORGEOUS 2nd try by England.
goodness.
it illustrated perfectly the beauty of rugby.

the flowing movement, excellent recycling of the ball
and most of all, lightning quick thinking.

the clear vision needed to spot the gaps.
the maturity and composure to sniff out every opportunity.
wow.

hodgson was playing stand off.
he passed out to lewsey on the wing,
and a few phases later...
he spotted mark cueto on the other wing.
paul graham did the trademark England cross kick.
and..... cueto caught it la pls.
whoosh.

2004-11-21T04:33:00.000-08:00

i am happy.
as much as im without love,
im still happy.
because im blessed with the best kind of friends God could ever present me with.
because these friends are a bundle of fun, laughter and much much more.
i can never thank each and everyone of them enough.
and yet, something still isnt right.
y'know... the final jigsaw.
it's so elusive.
i deeply yearn for it.
but, at what cost?
and what exactly is this jigsaw that im searching high and low for?
i guess no one gets everything.
why do i get to enjoy close friendships at the expense of other friends?
i dn't like it this way.
is it really impossible?

reconcile
v. rec·on·ciled, rec·on·cil·ing, rec·on·ciles v. tr.

1.To reestablish a close relationship between.
2.To settle or resolve.
3.To bring (oneself) to accept: He finally reconciled himself to the change in management.

and friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the lord of them.

it keeps the fire burning, the effort from dying..
from giving up.

2004-11-21T04:20:00.000-08:00

yesterday's tens tournament was bittersweet.
i realised that the team has a long long way to go.
the way we were played by sa in the finals.
woahhh.
overwhelmingly embarrassing.

i look ahead and i recoil.
what a daunting task ahead.
heh the temptation to quit seems greater.
i jst realised my amath retest is on the 23rd and not the 29th.
shit shit shit.
dalun and joel turned up to play for us cos we didnt have enough players.
it was great seeing them again, really.

mark joel and lun came over for dinner.
4 large pizzas man.
and i had to eat 9 slices cos i made a bet that i'd give 10bucks to the one who cld eat more than 15 slices of pizza.
joel looked certain to reach 15 cus mark and lun stopped at 4 or 5. so i had to eat and eat.
haha he didnt get the 10bucks in the end.
that was fun, playing with my snrs, again.
brought back a flood of memories, really.

2004-11-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

as usual today, woke up ard 7 and got ready for prayer.
i prayed at al-falah which was surprisingly full, considering it's in the town area and all..
the sermon was abt the evolution of Islam and blabla.
i was trying my darnest best to stay awake,
but it was in vain. it didnt help that i slept at 4 only.

headed over to my grandma's place, my dad's side.
had my breakfast thr the usual dishes, eg rendang, ketupat and what have you.
it's so....... routine every year.

but over at my other grandma's... the one whom im closer to
things werent gonna be routine at all...
i've got 8 uncles and 2 aunts on this side, and over 30 cousins.
and every year without fail, we would congregate at my grandma's place.
each and every single one of us.
since i was born, the moment i stepped into her home it was all smiles and laughter. happiness. love.
but it was different this time,
the air was still.. sombre even.
there were only a handful of cousins and only 2 or 3 uncles?
pathetic.
and pathetic was the word that i'd use to describe our attempts to liven things up, of course, to no avail.
my grandparents were distant, you know.. they had this faraway-look in their eyes.
but i dismissed it then, but i somehow had a hunch that today wasnt gonna be good.

an hour ltr, after most of them were present, we started i guess.
my grandad wld address the family then my grandma.
and she broke down.
i know i've nvr seen her cry in all my fifteen years.
but as she went on abt how the family is breaking apart
(cos during the past year there were many arguments, many heated ones.. which ultimately led to two families not turning up for jst now)
and yeah all of us are shocked la, we nvr knew it was this bad.
the tears flowed from my grandma's eyes, she was sobbing and sobbing.
i love her.
so much, i cared for her for the past 6 years or so, we went overseas every year.
this beloved grandmother of mine is breaking down.
but i kept my own emotions at check.
but it all broke, when my grandad, who stood tall against adversity.
my grandad, the pillar of strength, wisdom, the patriach i would say.
he too started tearing.
that was it, practically all of us teared.

and my own tears were like flowing for a good one hour.
such was the bond, the fondness that i had these two people,
i couldnt tolerate seeing them suffer, i felt their pain as well.
dammit. grow up you uncles and aunties.
they're in the twilight of their life.
let them enjoy such joyous occasions.
dammit these two people raised the ELEVEN of you monkeys up
with minimal income.
i say it's bloody disgraceful the eleven of you cannot care for TWO now.

you take their money
with promise of return.
empty promise.
asshole. return their thousands.
please........
let us not regret only when it is too late.
let us not regret only when we have lost them.
when do we learn?
when do we learn not to take things for granted?
when do we learn to treasure and cherish who we love?
appreciate, cherish.
please.

CHARLOTTE! happy birthday (: you stay suspicious babehh. and clara can continue fishin'
hahahaha.

2004-11-13T09:38:00.000-08:00

there are so many things i wna get outta my system.
but... an opportunity has yet to present itself.
the past week has probably been
the most serene that i've had in months.

i felt a closeness to God like never before.
i hope it lasts...

the past month bears testimony tht time FLIES.
activities that were so excitedly planned were not executed,
simply because we weren't time-concious.
so, my most sincere apologies, fanis!

thank you afie for returning the windbreaker.

what if?
damn the what ifs in this world.
i have been living a life of regrets.

im sorry, denise.
i really am.

2004-11-11T01:33:00.000-08:00

i realised today that anger,
can be very self-destructive
especially if not controlled
and channelled into the correct mediums.

fury like no other that i have experienced
this year swept through me and lasts even till now
as i write this.

puzzling.
i have no idea why i reacted so unexpectedly.
God, forgive me.

"President Arafat was one of those few leaders who could be instantly recognized by people in any walk of life all around the world. For nearly four decades, he expressed and symbolized in his person the national aspirations of the Palestinian people."

To God we belong and to Him, we return.
Innalillahi Wa Inna'ilaihi Raji'un

2004-11-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

ONE more match, and i'll be utterly convinced
that manutd's really going down.
my heart cannot take the grimacing, wincing and cringing
at their failure to simply convert the chances.
saha was really disappointing, he cld've scored so many.

saturday, november 7th

2004-11-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

princess diaries 2 was surprisingly enjoyable.
anne hathaway was simply stunning.
her eyes, brilliant smile... wow. (:
she returns in this sequel, fresh faced with
more poise and elegance as she gears up to prepare to be Queen.
it's much better than the first one.
very comical, and lord nicholas was the epitome of chivalry, charm, charisma....
everything a man should be. ah

>.<

2004-10-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

dang, manchester lost. and arsenal grasped a last minute equaliser.
tht means chelsea benefits most, moving to joint first,
with arsenal leading only by goal difference.
tht pretty much sums today.
it was one of those frustrating days, right from the start!

okay, actually not really.
the fair wasnt too bad, i had no complains really.
the haunted house was alright, but it cld be much better.
but good job all the same, vish, you did your best. (:
my apologies to vishnu's classmate
whom i accidentally stepped on at the last part of the whole thing.
haha thankyou natalyn for company, much appreciated!
the guys,
nigel i hope the tap stopped leaking alr.
mark erm... jiajun? :/
jon. ahaha, drink the original carlsberg tht gives you the original strength.

chng appeared in the papers tdy, for the wakeboarding section.
aiyahhhhhhh.
it's been SO boring, really.
we need pure adrenaline.
i hope ace camp would duly provide that.
got back my voice but flu's still running.

what a random entry. grimaces-

love.

the more i learn, the more i long, the more my heart cn't get enough...

2004-10-26T07:16:00.000-07:00

now i understand why computer games can be addictive.
it really is oh-so-addictive!
twice now, i've found myself rooted to a seat staring into a screen, oblivious of time, place nor setting. in the midst of the sniping, bombing, back-stabbing... time really flies. haa.
nigel jon and i played at thomson plaza tdy, from 11 to 5. and the worrying thing's that our minds cld still go on! (without the mandotory rest-your-eyes-every-45-mins)
think you had fun, mark? we had MORE fun. hehh.
trng tmr, i haven't really gotten into the norm. a dread of sorts forms within me when trng comes. ohwells. the prospect of games to play is more than a consolation. but the end of the road is oh-so-farr.

now im seeing it clearly,
how i still need you with me.
i still love you.
thr's stg btwn us that wont leave us,
thr's no letting go...

if ever you're in my arms again,
this time, i'll love you much better,
this time i'll hold you forever,
this time it'll never end.

love.

2004-10-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

today was classic zmni jvi day.
the type of day that wld've made me smile, grin, beam from ear to ear.
it's been awhile since all of us met up together, including the extras. haa.
or guests, lah, a nicer word.

( looks at eunice )
( AND shu )

it started sluggishly though, but in the end everything was perfect.
shuttled to and fro in town.
cine to heeren to wisma to wheelocks back to cine then cntrpt.
and we bought nigel his sexy ben sherman shirt.
pokes- idiot!
we love you!
i think from tdy onwards, gel and i are gonna be clothing twins.
we've got the same taste, Topman! Zara!
ahaha if only we had the necessary sums to fund our desire.

ohwells.
soon, soon..
ah, i shall continue soon, again hopefully.
sch tmr, i need to turn it.

God bless you guys,
with so much love.

zul.

2004-10-08T05:03:00.000-07:00

watching every motion in my foolish lover's game..
on this endless ocean finally lovers know no shame
turning and returning to some secret place inside
watching in slow motion as you turn around and say

take my breath away
take my breath away
watching i keep waiting, still anticipating love..

never hesitating to become the fated ones
turning and returning to some secret place to hide
watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say

take my breath away
through the hourglass i saw you
in time you slipped away
when the mirror crashed i called you
and turned to hear you say
if only for today i am unafraid

take my breath away
watching every motion in this foolish lover's game
haunted by the notion, somewhere there's a love in flames

turning and returning to some secret place inside
watching in slow motion
as you turn my way and say

take my breath away...

2004-10-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

what a pulsating, nerve-wrecking, heart-stopping, irritatingly frustrating, adrenaline-thumping match.

thank God they at least got an equaliser. it would have been a great great great injustice if they hadn't...

2004-10-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

so it's two days left.
make or break.

started term 4 very well,
but.. im starting to lose steam.
which has indeed been a great cause for worry
im determined not to let all the toil go down the godamn drain.
two days, and it's more than enough to substantially cover my chem.
as robs says, it can be done.
thanks cheerleader. haha (:
you'd better get your pom poms soon okay, i make it a must. =D

otherwise, it's been fine.
the weekend has been great.
nigel slept over on friday night and we covered chem and ss.
thanks gel.
and the table tennis win? it was jst to leave you in high spirits,
what more with our exams round the corner.
the real thing's gonna be post-exam match using shane's net.
hoho.

it was the sec 4 graduation day yesterday.
and i felt rather detached..
i didnt wna feel anything at that moment ytd.
God knows why.
there were so many...
so many amongst the sea of white yesterday that i have forged bonds with over the past 3 years. some broken, some lost, some strengthened, some weakened. they come and go i guess.
what i though was friendships that were made to last, eventually strained and broke.

are the bridges really burnt?

Nigel*

2004-10-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

splendid morning. woke up at 7am sharp...i turn and to my horrors!!!! arggghhhhhh its cowman!!! hahahaha fast asleep. Im surprised he knocked off so early last night and he didnt even moan this morning...we went running. and had a wonderful breakfast..bored now im lazy to study ss. poor vishnuu has sore throat. but as always dun forget the one step fool and idiot proof to cure your sore throat guys. Drink salt water. Im really looking forward to todays graduation.. had a dream last night. i imagined me graduating..hahaha its so fast. Too fast. Im gonna mins Sji. So i finally did post a message. *feeds myself a cookie*

zul* - NIGEL WAS LAUGHING IN HIS SLEEP!

2004-09-26T05:19:00.000-07:00

today, proves yet again, that
Friendship above everything else is Golden.
a bond forged for life.
thanks mark!

take that.

2004-09-17T04:53:00.000-07:00

it takes two to tango.
it takes two to love.

the past the now the future.

it's shrouded in doubt, uncertainty.
a void. i've been living a life of regrets.

"damn, i shd have done this better.."
"damn, i shd have TRIED harder.."
"damn, i shd have tried for experience.."

it's unhealthy. i realised i have been living my life day by day, without no planning whatsoever. i have worryingly become pathetically apathetic abt my school work, especially. not handing in assignments, instead of being a priority, stood lazily at the back of my mind. i haven't woke up, not since PSLE. i entered SJI, contented with who and what i was, failing to realise that hey, it's not more westlake primary, or it's not PRIMARY school anymore for that matter. i failed to realised the urgency of it all. and from the first term assesment in sec one till now, i have been on a never ending decline in a never ending well. a well of ignorance, misplaced pride and confidence.. you name it. im a shadow of my former self in a way, i acknowledge that i lost a lot of self-confidence. this happens when you are hit mercilessly with different blows, simultaneously in your solar plexus, your face, your tummy, your legs rendering you paralysed. and every attempt i make to try to overcome this paralysis, is an illusion. it's more like a pathetic try at denying myself what should have been crystal clear all this while- that i was failing. and as they all say, failure to plan is to plan to fail. i guess it's nvr too late but you can consider it a crisis when you are grappling with the fact that you might be retained, or worse, kicked out. it's scary, honestly.

on hindsight, this year's the first semester was pure gibberish. it was defenestrated the moment i entered the class for the first time. mr liew said something earlier this week which has leeched itself on my mind- "dn't make failing a habit"
i guess with all my failures in my academics especially, i have been adopting a very wrong mindset. when i see an incomprehensible math or physics question, my mind automatically turns off. when i see mind-boggling symbols and terms, it switches off. it's wrong, and i have realised that. it's so tough sometimes, but who cares? time definitely doesnt. above all this, procrastination has been tough as well. ah enough of all this useless self-pitiful rubbish. it's behind me. the year, although full of regrets, have been one full of lessons learnt as well as much fun. the wonderful bond forged with the other four, the wonderful season i had with both SJI and SRC, the friendships treasured and lost.. it's been pretty eventful.

haha i feel silly, cus i thought this should be done only at the end of the year. ohwells, friday's drawing to a close. tmr wld be yet another attempt to complete all my work and stuff, and i hope it wouldnt be in vain. tkcare all, i pray God be with you during this stressful period.

love.

so NOT my day.

2004-09-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

i jst realised the seriousness of this whole thing, this thing we call the end yr exams.
it really is nearing, nearer than i thought it wld be. already, i find myself lapsing into yet another period of complacency and apathy. half the week is already gone, gone without me doing much productive revision, save for a math and a little geog. what abt the rest? shivers* i know they're gonna be harsh abt the results, but i'll scrape through. i know i can.

tdy hasnt been good. alr, during Lit, i found out tht my pen leaked, causing a huge blot of ink to form at the bottom of my breast pocket. it's big enough, definitely noticeable. haa. fast forward to RME, after recess. we were required to complete the annual assesment. very thought-provoking questions. it was a list of questions meant to wrap up our module on BGRs and sexuality.

" what benefits can be derived from having a relationship? list 5. "
" what are the traits in the opp. sex tht you look out for whilst dating? "
" what are the traits in the opp. sex tht you look out for, for marriage? "
is there a difference in the two, if so, what is it and reflect.

i wld like to know your answers to the above, jst drop a comment (:

practical aft sch didnt go as well as i thought it should have. screwed up chem, inhaled so much ammonia, and spilled some weird concoction of acids and wht have you. went to the Annex to do math for two hrs, with mr low. this' where i realised that.... i know less than 30% of the syllabus. and upon reflection, i admitted to myself.. with regret... tht the first semester of this year was wasted away. i thought i was past the dreaming/dazing. but last semester bore testimony that nope, it was still ard. i've learnt, i've tried harder. but harder is not enough, argh. ohwells. i intend to watch tonight's match, so yup good night.

much lovee.
zul.

satisfaction

2004-09-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

aft much tampering with the html codes,
i have not only blew away the whole of my tuesday afternoon and night,
i've managed to get stg to my liking. although it's not THE lay-out tht im looking for,
this lay-out's something that i used earlier this year.
so i guess that's a slight consolation. it's 2130 and i've got to do a Lit essay.
the guys in class are driving tracy goh nuts, i wldnt wna disappoint her myself.
so here goes,
g'night.

love.

-->
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2004-09-14T03:10:00.000-07:00

a broken heart cn't be tht bad?
when it's through, it's through
fate will twist the both of you
so come on, let me be the one to show you

im the one who wants to be with you
deep inside i hope you'd feel it too
i've waited, on a line of green and blues
jst to be the next, to be with you

where's the confidence?
build it, so you can be on top for once.
i've seen it all go out,
this game of love all rained out..
so, come,
let me be the one to hold you
why be alone when we can be together?

you'll make my lifetime worthwhile
and i'll in turn, wld make you smile.

(:

esprit

2004-09-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

When two souls,
which have sought each other for long
have finally found each other,
A union.
fiery and sure as they themselves are;
begins on earth and continues eternally in Heaven.

This is Love, true love.
a religion..
which you inspire in me.
and it is your soul-made to love with the purity and passionof angels.

foralways.